Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?
*Laughs in 2020*
You Might Also Like
Non-stick pan manufacturers: Do not scrub the pan roughly
Also non-stick pan manufacturers: *will stick their label right in the middle of the pan with glue that never comes off easy*
As a 14 yr old in the 80s updates about emergency school closures were phoned in to the local radio stations. There was no verification on your identity and the notice was read out in good faith. So staff & pupils can thank me for the extra snow day off in 1980. You’re welcome.
*In the elevator*
Guy: Good morning ladies. You two going down?
Me: No. We’re just friends
Guy: ….
If dolphins are so smart why do they still live in the water
Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.
Dog: *sniffing tree for a long time*
Me: What was that all about?
Dog: “Urine: A Novel,” by Spot. I enjoyed it. Well-paced, interesting plot, good character development.
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
Reminder: Before taking your first bite into a fast food sandwich you need to redistribute the pickles.
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T
I remember Daddy told me fairy tales can come true so any time an old lady offers me an apple or cookie I kill her and bury her in the woods
“Knock knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Pizza”
“My new boyfriend who?
“No. Pizza”
“My future husband who?”
“No.”
“Playing hard to get who?”
what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“What’s Updog?”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati
Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.
Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?
David Attenborough: The faster antelope species always keep their slower cousins, the cantaloupe, nearby to throw under the feet of predators to trip them thus creating a hilarious pile up on the savannah.
I took my sandwich out of the bag and I saw THIS! I went back and spoke with the manager an demanded an explanation. He looked confused, so I pointed at the writing and asked why someone felt the need to write it. He answered, “because you ordered a BLT with cheese?”🙈
Getting lucky during a pandemic means I just scored the last bag of doritos in the grocery store.
First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.
I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me
They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.
“No. No, I’m sorry, but there must absolutely be a hole right here.”
My dog, after removing the top soil I put in a hole she hadn’t touched in well over a year.
Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.
Name fifty reasons you think I’m too demanding.
Netflix would be by far the best dating site. “Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs”
I know that when my husband gets home late tonight he’s going to eat all the chips so this leaves me with no choice but to eat all the chips first
If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.
My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”
Me: “Santa died”
[in prison]
me: so u guys come here often?