Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
You Might Also Like
Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.
Owner: What makes you qualified to be the new zookeeper?
Me: I found the place
Owner: So?
Me: Finders keepers
Owner: *leans back in chair* Well damn
realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history
Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*
I don’t have kids, but once I was on a plane next to a man and his young daughter, a first-time flier, and as she looked out the window and squealed with excitement, I found myself thinking about how differently things could have turned out if I’d gotten that window seat.
“What the hell happened to you?”
I got tarred by an angry mob.
“What about the feathers?”
I hugged some ducks to feel better after.
If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.
dont freak out but everything is made of chemicals
“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”
I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.
The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.
Lamaze instructor: What are you doing in here? You certainly aren’t pregnant.
Him: Doesn’t this class teach breathing to enhance relaxation & decrease pain?
Well I have teenagers.Instructor: Welcome to class.
[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]
TSA agent: Good evening sir
Me: Nothing
It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It’s like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.
“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls
*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.
So it’s okay for the cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors turn up.
But when I do it, I’m “antisocial”.
I call bullshit.
I’m less popular then mushrooms, because I’m not a fungi
A Nigerian prince needs my help #BadReasonsForALoan
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, why didn’t you pull over as soon as I flashed my lights?
Me: Oh, I can’t see a thing without my glasses.
HOT SINGLES HAVE MIGRATED AWAY FROM YOUR AREA DUE TO CLIMATE CHANGE
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
You are twice as likely to be killed by a vending machine then a shark.
So if you see any vending machines swimming near you, GET OUT OF THE WATER IMMEDIATELY.
boss: trouble at home?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] yeah
boss: wife giving you grief?
me: there’s a bee in my kitchen
Me (being caught in bed with an optical illusion): it’s not what it looks like.
The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.
Boss: why’d you leave early?
Me: you said cease the day
Boss: yes I said seize the day
Me:
Boss:
On the surface: cool as a cucumber…
On the inside: squirrel in traffic…