Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof
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Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”
I don’t eat fast food anymore, but I’ve learned that if you pull in the drive-thru and tell them they forgot to give you napkins, they’ll hook you up, no questions asked.
I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.
My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.
I think this means he wants me to talk to him.
Gizmodo Article: A Caterpillar With Vomit-Inducing Poison Fur Is Taking Over Virginia.
2020: All right, all right. Forgive me for trying to be creative.
My 8yo: A kid at school is always mean to me.
Me: What do you think is a good way to deal with it?
8yo: We should probably call the FBI and run surveillance on him.
if a cop pulls u over play dead
going into to sephora and putting some lipstick on my collar to make my gf jealous
There are no sleep rules anymore. If you’re sleepy, you just sleep. It doesn’t matter if it’s an appropriate nap time or not. It doesn’t matter if you sleep 2 or 6 hours. Literally no one is policing this.
My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro
*texting with girls*
Her: I <3 you
Me:[throws phone in disgust but picks it up and texts back angrily] you’re less than 3
*A tiny bee’s eyes widen while putting on his tuxedo for his big day* “did you say Honeymoon”
Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.
Found out that my girl puts peas in her Mac n Cheese… Our whole relationship is a lie… Why couldn’t she just sleep with someone else like a normal person?
I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids
My 8yo: I found a penny on the ground.
Me: That’ll bring you good luck!
8yo: I’d rather have a hundred dollar bill bring me good luck.
I overheard 16 tell 12 to come wish me a Happy Mother’s Day. Her response, “I’ve been doing it for 11 years, I think I deserve a break.”
So….guess who has dishes duty today!? And I’m going to use EVERY damn cup, plate and silverware in this house.
telling my wife that netflix is voice enabled and watching her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the television has maybe been the greatest five minutes of my life
Who called it plan b and not the pill out method?
A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.
I could not be more annoyed
*checks Twitter*
Ok, I’m more annoyed
Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.
A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
Wanna hear a construction joke?
I’m working on it.
Daughter: what do you call a T-Rex with sleep apnea?
Me: no idea.
Daughter: a Dinosnore : )
Me: [sniff].
Daughter: are you crying?
Me: I’m just so proud of you.
Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.
Ladies, never trust a dude with a fancy mustache. They’re just a top hat and a cape away from tying you to the train tracks or the conveyor belt of a giant lumber mill saw.
3-year-old: I want more milk.
Me: What’s the magic word?
3: *enraged falcon screech*
Close enough.
If you zoom out during the opening credits of “Friends,” you’ll see that the security guard who protects that fountain is DEAD.
I am an influencer.
If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.