My least popular conspiracy theory is that orchestra conductors don’t actually do anything. Some guy just shows up and says “okay I’mma direct you” and the musicians play the same but treat it like a Make-a-Wish thing and are like, “That’s great, bud, you’re directing so good!”
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[on road trip]
Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.[45 min later]
Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*
Her, 5: can I have another pickle?
Me: no more pickles
Her: can I stare at the pickles?
Me: sure
*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
There are two wolves inside you, I don’t remember what you’re supposed to do with them but I DO remember they WILL NOT do that thing with peanut butter that dogs will.
I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.
“sup shorty” – a giraffe, probably
Every spider has the same powers as Spiderman, yet none of them choose to be superheroes. This is everything you need to know about spiders.
Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?
Pete Davidson probably just knows how to load the dishwasher properly
Her: My God…yours is huge!
Me: It’s the biggest gift card Sizzler sells, baby.
*slow wink*
every year i spend $1,000 on a bunch of concert tickets & i say to myself it’s ok because i don’t buy designer bags/shoes. I bet there’s someone out there walking around with a Louis Vuitton bag and Gucci shoes because they justified that they don’t go to concerts.
I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?
I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
Have you ever stopped & thought about how there are hundreds of millions of really nice suits just buried underground?
Let’s get married, have kids and buy a house where it’ll either be too cold or too hot for someone every day forever.
I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.
*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”
Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?
Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means
My husband keeps watching a tv show while complaining about how boring it is, & now I understand how he’s stayed married to me for so long.
Sorry I was gone for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch to just one video.
Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.
[At a loud club]
Me: *the unceasing drone of locusts, driving to madness all unlucky souls who hear it*
Him: WHAT?
Me: *THE UNCEASING DRO
this is the most humiliating day of my life
To do list:
1) Kill the fly in my room.
2) Try to snort multivitamins.
3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.
4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.
Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.
A thread.
When you meet a flat-earther in real life don’t bother arguing. You need to immediately outcrazy that shit. “Don’t tell me you believe in ‘Earth,’” you’ll demand.
Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.
#NoRestForTheWicked