In today’s Zoom meeting my foot got caught on my office chair hydraulic lever & I slowly sunk down out of view like a sinking ship leaving my coworkers in wonder
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Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.
How to really enjoy the rain:
1. Stand at the window (inside)
2. Put non-tea drinking hand on hip
3. Sip tea from mug
4. Say “look at that rain” or “it’s really coming down now”
5. Ask someone else if it’s raining where they are
6. Say the garden needs it
7. Eat all the biscuits
ME: Hello, Amazon Support? Yeah this package I just got looks like it was smashed from the inside with a bunch of hammers!
AMAZON: Sorry sir, what was in the package?
ME: Hammers
Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.
I remember when I was younger and I picked this girl up from her house, her dad answered the door and was like “have her back by 2200 hours” and I didn’t know military time but I was ok at maths and was like “sure, see you in 3 months”
I once accidentally joined a cult because I zoned out mid-conversation and just kept saying “yeah, of course” every few minutes.
I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.
me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”
“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”
It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.
To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.
Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn’t even get a babysitter.
Me: Go ahead.
Waiter: Huh?
Me: You’re staring at my hair. Go ahead & touch it.
Waiter: There’s a leaf in it.
The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.
I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.
I came this close!!!!
I’m not like other girls. I am Mothman.
no their not
“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”
– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car
Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?
She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.
Day 9: I mean, who needs New Year’s resolutions anyway
Logged into FB told Gemma her wedding pics are beautiful.
Logged into Twitter to tell you she looked like a fat man in drag and I hate her.
Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem
i am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. if you invite me, i am gonna show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me again
Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?
My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
You’re Twitter famous. Cool, cool.
I won a dodgeball tournament in 3rd grade and I got a real trophy for that.
Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”
College alumni magazines should share more than just weddings, babies and career stuff, like I wanna see when people get fired or divorced or someone gets cheated on or falls into a well.