Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
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cat owners be like don’t worry he only scratches if you pet him or feed him or call him or touch him or make noise or walk past him or
My mom enjoyed nearly 4 years as Grandma but thanks to my youngest her name is now Bogma.
Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*
him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery
me: gotcha
[later]
me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*
After hand washing your cat, put up to dry
David Draiman singing “Oh-wa-ah-ah-ah” in the intro of “Down with the Sickness”, but it’s just the sounds I make while trying to put on socks.
A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?
My wife ate a bowl of chili and a large coffee before our kids’ soccer game today, so I gave her the car keys and said “I hope you make it in the time”
ER: Ma’am, are you allergic to any medications?
Me: I’m not answering your silly questions until you give me the wifi password.
I make all my clothing choices based on what I would look like if I’m unexpectedly asked to bounce on a trampoline at some point in the day.
What do you call a man with no car???
…an Uber.
There’s one barista who treats me like I’m very important for whatever reason & he doesn’t let anyone else make my drink so at first I was like “Well shucks, I feel special” but now I’m like, “Is he slowly poisoning me?”
No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you
no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads
My natural facial expression is that of a slightly pissed off serial killer
History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.
“Spirits, are you there?”
[ouija board] IF YOU LIKE IT THEN YOU SHOULDA PUT A RING ON IT
“Damn it, we’ve held a séaoncé again!”
My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic
Ooh. Remove card RAPIDLY, not RABIDLY. I think I owe the lady at pump 2 an apology.
Yes, but it was never about money
Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.
ME: They call me Mr Universe
DATE: You workout?
ME: I’m constantly expanding
*Jesus announces he is God’s son*
Questions?
*everyone raises hand*
No I can’t fly
*most hands drop*
Or throw lightning
*rest of hands drop*
I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”
People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.
every time i look the ‘u’ in matthew mcconaughey is in a different place
If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, they’d see a huge increase in membership.
A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.