[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before
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Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.
HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.
Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.
[Petco]
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real fish person.
ME: Like a mermaid?
INTERVIEWER:
On our weekly family Zoom, my stepmom always says how pretty I am.
Today I replied, “I’m more than a pretty face.”
STEPMOM: “Are you sure?”
ME: “I have an elbow. Look.”
SM: “That’s nothing to brag about.”
ME: “It bends and everything.”
SM: “I’ve seen better.”
If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.
You guys would not believe the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been through
All is fair in drunk and war.
Local News: GREG JOHNSON, 41, ESCAPES BEING EATEN BY BEAR
Bear News: FOOD NAMED GARG RUNS FROM LUNCHTIME
Me: My heartburn is out of control
Dr: Are you still taking your meds
Me: Yes I take them every morning with my 1st pot of coffee
Dr: (exhaling loudly)
*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark
-me as a tattoo artist
I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.
Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun
Nerds were always ugly or goofy looking. Then from nowhere emerged the hot girl nerd and the limitations of Nerdom crumpled before our eyes.
Don’t text me that you’re gonna kick my ass, that lacks passion. Key it on the side of my truck.
Wouldn’t recommend it, but I’d admire you.
I’m stressed right now so I’m watching a show about the mafia to help me relax.
I once broke up with a girl for doing a May the 4th be with you joke. I did it the next day though, and called it revenge of the fifth.
there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.
mom, did you know there are more kids than teachers at my school?
-my 7 year old making the best of her public education
I can’t wait until Twitter gives you the option to block yourself. I say some real dumb shit on here and I shouldn’t have to deal with it.
“No. No, I’m sorry, but there must absolutely be a hole right here.”
My dog, after removing the top soil I put in a hole she hadn’t touched in well over a year.
Day 4. They suspect nothing.
My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”
My gas mower died so I replaced it with an electric one. It doesn’t smoke or smell and is really quiet and now I don’t know how I’m supposed to alert the rival dads when I’m beating them to cutting the grass.
I refuse to clean my house before you arrive because it perpetuates our slavery to capitalism. Just kidding, I’ve vacuumed the attic in case you wanted to see our 15 year old baby gates.
How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”
Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works
Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.
Here’s something no one talks about: the kiss-of-death retweeter. They happen to RT your jokes no one else does, so they become the sole retweeter. And if they RT something right away you’re like “that must have sucked.” Anyway stop it Mom.