90s scientists: we cloned a sheep. we landed a robot on mars.
Scientists today: for the last time, the earth is round.
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[first day on bomb squad]
blue red yada yada yada i get the gist
If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards
i thought lingerie was a type of noodle
Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.
-911 what’s your emergency?
-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.
Waitress: Is this your grandma?
Me: My wife.
Waitress: …
Me: …
Waitress: I am SO sorry.
*walks away*
Grandma: Nice one. High five!
4 when I ask to play with him: please don’t touch my toys mommy
4 when I’m trying to take a relaxing bath: please accept every toy I own immediately
Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.
Wife: I want a divorce because your enthusiasm’s turned into bitter sarcasm
Tony the Tiger: great
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
“I’m so over you.”
– A blanket.
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.
I deep cleaned the carpet so now I guess we’ll live outside.
I once put a baby in adult clothing and placed him on my desk with a water bottle labeled “fountain of youth” right next to him.
if i owned a bakery, i’d call it That’s How We Roll or Piece of Cake or Nothing’s Awry or We Enable Cookies or We’re Not Sour, Doh! or Torte Reformed or
me: are you cool?
my armpit: good to go
me: you sure? not itchy?
my armpit: oh come on, I’m fine
me: promise me
my armpit: dude I promise
me:
my armpit:
me: ok *puts on long sleeve shirt, coat, scarf, and starts driving*
my armpit: you’re not gonna believe this
good cop: you do not have to talk to us
bad cop: [running away from a spider] i need backup
Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?
Never let the fear of failure keep you from failing.
My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions
3: when I’m 5 I’ll do all the cleaning and cooking on the weekend so you and daddy can stay in bed
Me: *hands her pen to sign legally binding contract*
[at the playground]
“Welcome to Swingers Club. Sorry if you thought this was about spouse-swapping. Now who wants to give me a push?”
A man is “shirtless” while a woman is “topless.” One might say this refers to women’s larger variety of clothing options. More intriguingly, it implies we have not decided on men’s orientation in space. Who knows where the top of a man is
Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”
Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)
[bank]
me: this is a stick up!
bank teller: [whispering] turn the gun around
me: what? omg i’m so embarrassed
bank teller: lol first time?
me: is it that obvious?
bank teller: you’re doing great sweetie
Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.