Pet Store Cashier: “Would you like a bag?”
Me: “Yes, I’d like a bag for my bag of birdseed.”
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The best way to surprise your girlfriend with flowers is by not giving them to her when your wife’s there.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes
There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.
me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003
@Mister_Gravity @OwensDamien @funTweeters Sssshhhhh, they haven’t noticed thus far, don’t screw it up for everyone…
Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?
-my 5yo, planning ahead
[jail]
ME: I want my phone call
COP: Ok. Make it count
ME: [dials payphone]
[cop’s mobile rings]
COP: Hello?
ME: Please let me go
My wife thinks she caught me with a lip of tobacco but it was bacon and now I have a choose your fight adventure on my hands
What’s the deal with everyone liking unicorns? They’re horses with dildos on their heads. Dragons, people. DRAGONS.
I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.
Knuckle tats:
(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)
me: wow, so many robins! what a good omen
also me: there are robins everywhere, it’s not a sign
also also me: you can both be right!
fourth me: you guys talk too much
Did anyone ask the daylight if it wanted to be saved?
I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up
That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod
Mugger: give me your wallet and you won’t get hurt
Me: *handing over wallet* wanna be my friend?
Mugger: no
Me: *taking wallet back* but you said :’(
I completely forgot that the social media manager for Kitchen Nightmares has completely lost it.
Me: I just want to taste your chapstick 😏
Her: oh.. 😉 *leans in for a kiss*
Me: *eating her chapstick* oh.
Her: oh.
People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.
ADAM: Let’s take turns naming animals.
EVE: Ok. Lion.
A: Um, sea lion.
E: Horse.
A: Uh, seahorse
E: Cow.
A: Sea cow.
E: Idiot.
A: Sea idiot!
Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.
first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died
Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom
team rocket: that boy’s pikachu is special
meowth: hey
team rocket: we need it
meowth: im literally the only pokemon who can talk
team rocket: that pikachu is so unique no other pokemon will do
Meowth: guys
team rocket: only that pikachu is deserving of love
Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.
There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.
The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.