Erm I’m gonna say no
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“Welcome to 9-1-1, Florida. If you’re calling about a matter related to George Zimmerman, please press 2. Otherwise, stay on the line…”
I started writing a joke about Harry Houdini. But the punchline escaped me.
Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad
[on the 7th day]
dodo bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
god: yeah totally harmless little dude
dodo: *watching adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
god: *biting into a kitkat* sure thing buddy
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
Husband: How much Halloween candy should we get?
Me: We went through 2 pounds last year.
Husband: We didn’t have any trick-or-treaters last year.
Me: *death glare*
“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.
midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potentialtechnology:
me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot
We only teach “stop, drop and roll” to put out fire but honestly if you do it in pretty much any social situation it will also stop that.
I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.
[Date]
Her: Any hobbies?
Me: Monging mostly.
Her: Huh?
Me: I’m a monger
Her: Huh?
Me: Iron, fish, war… You name it — I’ll monger it
Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.
My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night I’m the only one using it.
“I’d have to say my two favorite things are sex, and not having my head bitten off.”
-soon to be disappointed praying mantis
My 6yo hacker daughter has discovered that she can use her Google mini to control her brother’s Google mini in his room.
I just had to scold her for messing with him by remotely playing random music that he hates, just to troll him
I’m not ready for this.
Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father
After days stranded at sea on the edge of starvation, my 4yo is rescued & given bread:
“This has seeds on it,” she scoffs, pushing it away.
I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they’ll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives
HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
HER: Ooooooo
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.
Be myself?
BE MYSELF?!?!
You don’t care if I ever get laid again, do you?
You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.
Love is always patient and kind.
a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!
“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously
[Christopher Nolan on the set of Batman Begins]
Great Batman voice, Christian! Terrific stuff!
[aside] maybe Batman shouldn’t talk
Good morning to everyone but those being intentionally vague. You know who you are!
I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.
I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”
I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.