[painting a model in the nude]
model: r u gonna be naked the whole time
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Do I love my coworkers? No.
But are they good at their job and make my life easier at work?
Also no…
My dog is really picky on where she poops. For instance, she will only choose a lawn where the homeowner is outside to make eye contact with me.
If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.
Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django
My 4yo asked me where people go when they die.
I told her: “I don’t know, but it wouldn’t hurt to check under your bed last thing at night.”
Worried that one day pillows will take over and start making forts out of us.
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice.
Beetlejuice: Hey!
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice…
Another Beetlejuice: Hey! oh.
me: Beetlejuice…
Beetlejuices: please stop.
Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys
inside you there are two wolves. one snores like “honk shoo honk shoo honk shoo.” the other one snores like “hooooonk mi mi mi”
[1st date]
date: you have any hobbies?
me: i collect old comics
date: oh like first editions?
me: [flashback to jerry seinfeld tied up in my basement] sure
The time for being a smartass isn’t when someone is in a murderous rage. There’s a discreet unmarked grave out there that’ll attest to that.
Depressed? Try changing your bedding. Cedar chips are for guinea pigs & may not be right for you
[My Dad If He Were A Bartender]
ME: Can I have a beer?
DAD: I don’t know, CAN you?
ME: Ugh, just make me a drink.
DAD: Poof, you’re a drink.
ME: Come on!
DAD: Where are we going?
ME: I’m putting you in a home.
DAD: We’re already in someones home.
Me: Congrats! I heard you got married again
Her: Sorry I didn’t invite you. It was a small ceremony
Me: Its ok. I’ll go to your next one
I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.
When I was 18 I thought it would be cute to get a butterfly tattoo on my lower hip but after 6 c-sections it looks like a sad moth in a top hat.
Me: Do that thing I like.
Him: *gives me the good allergy pills*
I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.
A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”
*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.
My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.
The Ten Commandments of Ayn Rand #XmasAMovie
I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.
Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.
Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.