Just pulled into the ‘Expecting Mothers’ parking spot at Walmart because I’m fully expecting to lose my shit on one of my kids in there.
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If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.
I saw an attractive girl in the UK and said to her “you look like a million pounds”. That’s how I got this black eye.
4: Mama, I’m not feeling so good.
Me: What’s wrong baby girl?
4: I haven’t had spaghetti for so long my stomach misses it. Listen, *puffs up belly* you can hear my tummy cry.
My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”
Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.
*5yo curses incessantly after falling.*
*Me realizing where he got it from: 😬*
Hubby: “Are there any trophy stores open? You deserve a mother of the year award.”
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.
*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late
Average age of billionaires: 65
Average age of billionaires in books: 35
The thing about someone cropping you out of a photo is that this person thought it’d be more off putting to be seen with you than with a dismembered arm
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!
me; I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows
Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”
Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”
GF: Can I have some almonds?
Me: Sure I’m done with them.
GF: These are good!
Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.
Me (seductively looking at a potato): would mash.
I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.
“IT’S A BOY” I shouted, tears rolling down my face “I DON’T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!” It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.
Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.So can you!
People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.
The swamp creature from the haunted lagoon?
Nope just me back from the gym
[pet therapy]
THERAPIST: ok slow
ME: *pets 2 dogs*
T: just 1
M: *pets 3 dogs*
T: Nurse, restrain him, he’s
M: *pets 4 dogs*
T: roverdosing
*stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*
I told my boyfriend to show me pictures of my outfits that I ordered and I for sure was not expecting this…
The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
[6 PM]
Tween:
[7 PM]
Tween:
[8 PM]
Tween:
[9 PM]
Tween: I need a poster board for school tomorrow.
I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.
My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.