Pennywise does live in the sewer, rent free. That speaks to financial discipline. And he eats children, who are also free. Based on that, I’m gonna say the name is more likely earnest than ironic.
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“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases
I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone
Wouldn’t it be great to be a dog or a cat so you could just walk up to people whenever you wanted & lay down beside them & demand they pet you all over your body – not just when you’re really drunk out in public?
ME: i’d like a Big Bacon Classic, Chili Cheese Fries, and Coke
CASHIER: sir, this is a Wendy’s
ME:
CASHIER: sorry it’s just a reflex, we get a lot of weirdos here
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here
I make all my clothing choices based on what I would look like if I’m unexpectedly asked to bounce on a trampoline at some point in the day.
When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.
It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.
employment tip: when the interviewer says you will “wear a lot of hats,” they don’t mean they’re going to give you a bunch of cool hats. they’re just going to make you do a bunch of jobs. it’s all very sad
[first day as a genetic scientist]
co-worker: how did everything just fly off the shelves
me: *sliding new telekinetic cat behind me with my foot* iunno
I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”
Someone once asked me to imagine not having eyelids and I’m just like no
I enjoy learning about the world by watching the Olympics. So far I’ve learned that Canada ISN’T the only country that participates in curling.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation and don’t have to get up.
Me: [starts learning how to juggle saucepans]
Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.
If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.
Ugliness is universal.
It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette
Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.
Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.
My wife and I have to put drops in the cat’s eye before we go to work. Just in case you see a headline like “Couple mauled to death by two pound kitten” tomorrow
“Why did u jump off that bridge?”
My friend did it too
“Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?”
Yes. I literally just said that
Whoever said “time heals all wounds” deserves a swift kick in the teeth.
this morning a coworker told me “why don’t u make like a tree & leaf” & all I could think of as a comeback was “yeah, well why don’t u make like a coffee & fridge” (we were in the break room), so do I just quit now or what
me: so I just check out women all day?
grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that
Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
I was feeling really, really stupid today. And then I remembered that there are probably other people out there that also feel really, really stupid. And I felt a little better. Thanks everyone.
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
I was having a drink of coffee and didn’t see the pothole in the road, so that’s on me.