Sometimes you’re Godzilla, sometimes you’re Tokyo
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How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.
[creation of trees]
god: when it’s warm you’ll be covered in leaves
tree: like a big coat?
god: yes but when it’s cold they’ll all fall off
tree: (eyes narrow) how long have you been doing this job
Grease (1978, musical)
A highschool girl wins happiness and the acceptance of her peers by changing who she is and taking up smoking.
*At a restaurant, 3yo not sitting still*
Aunt Lisa: What’s wrong, dude, do you have ants in your pants?
3: *Looks stunned, drops pants*. Can you get them out?!
Parents, let this be a reminder that young kids will take 99.9% of what you say literally.
Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry
Sloth 911: What’s your emergency
[1 week later]
Sloth: I’VE BEEN SHOT
[1 week later]
Sloth 911: DON’T MOVE! We’ll be there in a month
My wife’s favorite position was cat style. She’d sit 3 feet away from me. No matter how many times I called her, she wouldn’t come near me
WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat
Catch Pokemon?
No thanks. I’m STD- Free.
A Japanese man has been arrested after reportedly dating more than 35 women at the same time in order to get birthday gifts from all of them
He gave each woman a different date for his birthday, ensuring a constant stream of gifts through the year.
Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.
[swirls, sniffs and sips red wine]
Yes, this is delicious. I will have a glass.
Ma’am, this is a church, let go of the cup and sit down.
i’m not getting my boyfriend a PS5 because then i’d have to get ALL my boyfriends a PS5 and that’s just not financially feasible for me rn
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
“It’s not you, it’s meat” – vegan break up
He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*
Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
M:Yes
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho
I really do love this time of year — the Christmas music, the twinkle lights, the woman in front of me in line at Costco who just told her husband, “We can give your cousin a pile of dog shit for all I care.”
Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol
need a new bf mines broken 😐
Breaking: CNN confirms planes need fuel to fly. In other news, scientist confirm brains are not needed to work at CNN.
British people be like I’m Bri ish
Parenting styles often relax as you have more kids. For example my 1st born ate only all-natural, organic food. My 2nd eats broken glass.
I posted a picture of a salad I made myself for dinner and some guy I’ve never met messaged me to inform me he’s allergic to almonds. Why is this so funny to me?
the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire
Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.
My kids are asking for another dog that I can feed and walk.
What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?
Unemployed
I called a chai latte a “chatte,” and my husband laughed and said that was “actually funny,” and it’s nice to have him finally recognize my genius.