Today my toddler is crying because he doesn’t have his stuffed animal. That he put in the fridge. And yelled at me for trying to take it out.
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My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.
*points to Spanx*
If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.
If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.
Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere
“Have you had a shower today?”
Yes, but thank you for clarification that it hasn’t made me look neat, fresh or washed
Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me
Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word
My kid: My mom drinks all day. She keeps filling up her special cup so she can drink all day. Sometimes she even puts this special powder in her drink too.
Me: IT’S WATER. I DRINK WATER ALL DAY WITH LEMONADE POWDER BECAUSE THE CITRIC ACID KEEPS MY KIDNEY STONES AWAY FFS!!
Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.
This checks out
Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.
I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.
-Herpes
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*– parallel parking a time machine
Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully
College football is great bc every guy on the field is the best football player to come out his HS in years or perhaps ever but then you get a matchup where one of the guys is a future 9x Pro Bowler & the other guy is a future litigation attorney and thats when the magic happens
‘I’ll cut a bitch.’
– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure
911,What’s your emergency?
Me: I think it’s a heart attack
911: Can you call back when you’re sure, we’re watching Walking Dead
I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.
2016 took so many beautiful, talented men I’ve loved my entire life. Seems unfair that I still have to dodge my ex at the grocery store.
HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
[next day]
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?
*walking down street with friend*
Well, this is me.
*jumps in front of bus*
me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun
“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
Saw a video for vegan cauliflower icecream on fb and heard the four horsemen of the apocalypse thunder overhead.
Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse
My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.
One arm at a time.
Intelligence:
Below average – Loves Joe Rogan
Average – Thinks he’s okay and listens occasionally
Above average – Despises Joe Rogan
Genius level – Never heard of Joe Rogan
Top 1% genius – Have never heard of Joe Rogan but are scheduled to be on his show next week
Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.
I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid
Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah