11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.
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No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
Those are not the screams of an animal caught in a bear trap, they’re the bleatings of a dog banished to the back yard and rendering her unable to run assist with the repairman.
I have the nicest shopping cart at Walmart- me flirting
Why do they have the Met gala on a monday? the celebs probably have to come straight from from work
How about a bird that ruins people’s lives
-God creating roosters
Instead of saying I agree 100%, I like to say I agree 80%, just to leave myself a little wiggle room in case your theory turns out retarded.
Yesterday CNN reported that “sitting will kill you, even if you exercise” and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.
I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.
[rolls down car window]
“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”
Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!
ME: Hey buddy, your dog left a little ‘present’ on my lawn
GUY: Huh?
ME: *points to tiny, nicely wrapped gift* Thank him for me, willya?
An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE
So my wife doesn’t like the new shampoo she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like cucumber melon for the next five weeks.
So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times
Knock knock?? Who’s there?? Jehovah Witness. Knock knock?? Knock knock?? Hello?? Knock knock??
Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.
[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows
when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table
[before animals were invented]
plants: this is nice
i made a craigslist ad !
Cookie Monster first year: Cookie Rookie
Cookie Monster skip school: Cookie Hookie
Cookie Monster be sad: Cookie Sookie
Cookie Monster has a poo: Cookie Dookie
Cookie Monster does a sex: Cookie Nookie
Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.
Me: If I had a nickel for every time a guy interrupted me, I’d-
Some guy: Be rich?
Me: -put them in a sock and hit you with it
Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.
I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.
Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.
– an early draft
[kool-aid man catches son sneaking in and smells his breath] is that…hawaiian punch?
“dad i can explain”
I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.