Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered
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So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…
one of my favorite Halloween memories was trick or treating and a very stoned dude in his 20’s opened the door and was like “oh man I forgot it was today. Let me see if I have anything for you” and then I hear him going through his pantry and he goes “do you like soup”
It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
[Murderer enters my bedroom]
Murderer: murdering time!
Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers)
Murderer: SON OF A
My hairdresser might not be a therapist, but he is a captive audience.
girlfriend: is crying
me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while
Yes officer, I’d like to file a restraining order against my dentist’s appointment reminder system.
If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
Welcome to Applebee’s! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?
I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.
My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.
Accomplish whatever tasks you have today with the confidence of a kid who claims to have brushed their teeth
Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth
Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”
*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
Me, when the vintage convertible nice Mr Megatron at the dealership sold me turns out to be two dead autobots welded together: “I can’t believe this deception! What a con!
… WAAAIT A MINUTE!”
Friend: your parents must have had you young
Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger
[Alien Vs Predator]
alien: feeling pretty unwelcome in this country lately
predator: oh man look at those cute kids over there
i just realized my “for you” feed is actually as enjoyable a scroll as my “following” feed and i’ve never been more devastated in my life
Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
Coffee helps me remember….
Everybody’s name
My passwords
Sense of humour
Woods ❌
I mean wordsI never said it was easy.
You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
Judge: how do you plead?
Guy: well usually to my wife
Judge: haha I feel ya brother, bailiff please fist-bump the defendant
At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music
When faced with a challenging situation I calmly ask myself “what would the hulk do?”
Then I rip my clothes and smash stuff up!
Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?
“my eye is up here”
-Illuminati pyramid