My right hand: I’ll hold these three Trader Joe’s bags, your overstuffed tote and one awkward rope handled shopping bag
My left hand: imma pet this doggie
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A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.
I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.
A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.
I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.
“your cat will eat you when you die” yeah but he shows infinite grace by making no attempt in the meantime. leave him alone
You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations
A door was tried in court.
It was an open and shut case.
old lady: that’s not necessary
me: [installing twitter on her phone] look lady i carried your bags, the least u can do is follow me online
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
Whenever someone mentions rat poison part of me imagines a tiny rodent cover band playing 80s power ballads.
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?
*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like
Barry Cryer’s “Half an orange” bit always stuck with me. I just appreciate the absurdity and “non-joke” of it.
“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”
[Getting ready to go out]
Her: Is that what you’re wearing?
Narrator: He thought it was, but he was wrong.
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…my trench coat?
HR: Try again.
Me: Because I’m naked under my trench coat?
I love Yahoo Answers because no matter how bizarre my question, someone in the world has already thought of it. And thats really comforting.
when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story
Happy Earth Day. You don’t look a day over 4,400,000,000 and get hotter every year.
Putting the word “rage” in everything you say you’re doing makes you sound more productive
I’m rage cleaning the house
I’m rage working this project
I’m rage homeschooling the kids
I’m rage drinking tequila
Attachment isn’t when 2 ppl chat night and day. When someone emails u and adds an image or data file with it,
THAT FILE IS CALLED ATTACHMENT
The list of things that give me heartburn is trending towards everything.
Remodel Shows: “Transform your fire escape into the perfect home office.”
the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing