If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
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“I’m usually closed off. But if you get close to me, you’ll find that I’ll really open up.”
-Automatic sliding doors
I can be very helpful at the store, a lady had the fixings for pasta in her cart so I threw in some garlic bread because I knew she’d forgotten, I mean what psycho doesn’t eat garlic bread with pasta.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?
The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.
My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high
Fluff me with a fork baby
Never forget.
Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47
i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit
[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing
Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.
*at the pharmacy*
I WOULD LIKE THE PILLS THAT ALLOW ME TO CONTROL BIRTH
*pharmacist blinks*
GIVE THEM TO ME, SORCERER
My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.
[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP
Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
I’ll start the new year off with my favorite joke from 3rd grade:
Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?
Because they have such big fingers.
Happy New Years, friends. Let’s try to make it to the next one too…
Thank you to all the people who gave their lives figuring out which mushrooms we can and can’t eat.
Wife: [reaches for the fries on my plate]
Me: [slides grocery divider between plates]
Wife: you said you didn’t take that from the store.
Me: and you said you didn’t want any fries but here we are.
You in the crosswalk: I stopped for you. I stopped. I’m stopped. I won’t unstop. Don’t look at me. Just walk. Go. For the love of God.
I’ve started dressing up as the Grim Reaper when I’m at home because in the marriage guidance counselling I asked my wife how I could change and she said ‘Doom aura round the house’.
I think she said something about listening too.
Me: Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!
Bartender: doesn’t matter how many times you say it, we don’t have it
[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??
Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
cop: we’re investigating the disappearance of your neighbor
me: i don’t know where dave is
cop: how did you know it was dave
[ups guy walks up] got an order for a human sized hamster wheel
[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS
I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off
I’d be a terrible surgeon because my hands shake, and also because I didn’t go to medical school of any kind.
My 8yo nephew who has never seen a CD player before just asked if the eject button was for his seat in my car and in this very moment I wish it was
TRUMP: i’m the greatest man who ever lived
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE IDEA FOR THE TINY ONION VOLCANOS AT JAPANESE STEAKHOUSES: bitch please
Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]