I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.
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Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.
I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
I’m excuse, what’s your drunk
Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.
I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.
Breaking news:
Thanks autocorrect…clearly “I am fantasy” is a better answer than “fantastic” when asked how I’m doing…
I think that next job interview I conduct I’m going to ask the candidate “What is best in life?”
If they don’t answer “To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women,” then hard pass.
Stop attacking me with reasonable advice
I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.
Teacher: Did your mom sign your permission slip?
Kid: Yep
Teacher: This says you have permission to be the teacher
Kid Teacher: please raise your hand before speaking
When you realize your football team sucks, and you just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy.
Nobody has worn an adult diaper to drive across the country to confront a rival for my affections. What bullshit is this?
I would’ve been terrible in 50 Shades because the second a guy said “I don’t do romance” I would laugh and be like NOBODY SAYS THAT BYE
I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
Me: do you think he called himself T.S. Eliot so nobody would notice that T. Eliot is toilet backwards?
Librarian: stop talking
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.
[undoes GFs bra first time]
“wow have you been practicing?”
don’t be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]
Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.
All frogs are automatically my friends, I’m sorry I just can’t imagine a situation where a frog is unworthy of my eternal devotion
nothing will ever burn me quite as bad as when my sister told me i reminded her of those aliens who smoke cigarettes and drink coffee in men in black
My friend offered me a free pole dance class. I said no. With my debt, the last thing I need to find out is that I’m great at pole dancing.
*stands over dads casket*
“Mom isn’t doing well, dad.”
*puts hand on dad’s shoulder*
“You need to stop building caskets. It’s creepy.”
[First Date]
Me: *licks corner of napkin*
Me: *dabs at his cheek*
Him: ……………
Me: Sorry. Force of habit.
“I bumped into your wife yesterday”
“Oh, where?”
“You know the café opposite the S&M club?”
“Yes”
“Opposite that café”
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
*watches movie*
*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*
*pauses for three months*
you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic
Her: So when you said you were going to make me happy using just your mouth…
Me: *putting down microphone* BEATBOXING IS A GIFT SARAH