I didn’t know any of my neighbor’s names before getting a dog but now I know their names are Kylo’s mom, Phoebe’s dad, Max’s mom and Bo’s parents
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My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I’m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.
My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix
Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.
I was kicked out of a strip club last night for throwing twenty quid at one of the strippers.
Ok, I admit it was in pound coins.
To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.
I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn’t be fare to him
The self checkout lane was invented by a man who was sent to the store to buy tampons.
Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.
Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?
My 4-year-old poked my gut and remarked, “Daddy, there’s a baby in there…?”
That was last night and I still haven’t recovered
sorry to the aisle people but window is so unbelievably superior….I am gazing upon the universe from heights pilgrims only dreamed of and you are just….closer to the poopoo room. A place I already go all the time.
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
A random lady complimented me on my dress and said how lovely it looked on me
So I did what any reasonable person would do
Walked into a lamp post and fell over
Husband: Did you eat the last of the Girl Scout cookies?
Me: (brushing off crumbs, swallowing hard) There was a break in.
I don’t wish my ex-husband ill. I just hope he can’t ever find a parking spot and that his food is never quite the right temperature.
Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.
A new study shows that mussels are changing as the ocean warms. Hopefully they’re changing to be garlic & butter-flavoured.
What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….
Me: I’ve got a 12 pack in the fridge
Him: Toss me a cold one
*Lettuce and cheese fly everywhere as the taco hits him square in the chest*
3: [eating] I want Pirates of the Caribbean
me: yeah, well people in hell want ice water
3: [smiling] I already got ice water
So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.
My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.
After my upteenth gentle attempt to express my disinterest in the subject matter:
“pardon me, but what sequence of words can I use to end this conversation?” “
2 years ago, I called up a friend and left a message, she called me back today. I’m not kidding.
Guys, women can spot another woman at 10 paces and tell you if she’s wearing 5″ or 6″ heels. She knows exactly what, 6″+ looks like.
Why do plane tickets have to be so expensive…you’re literally going that way anyway…just give me a ride.
nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town
“Omg, I know where that is!!”