my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…
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Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either
Me: I blocked my own alt account earlier
My therapist: *on phone* Honey, it’s him again…I’m gonna be home late
Co-worker – Diet coke causes cancer.
Me – My grandfather died at 102.
CW- He used to drink diet coke?
Me – No, he minded his own business.
Van Gogh: take my ear as a symbol of love
Girl: ew I don’t want this
Van Gogh: I’m glad you like it
Girl: can you even hear me? This is gross
Van Gogh: I love you too
Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.
Don’t make this weird…
Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.
I love that earthquakes unite strangers online like nothing else. 100,000 people posting “did anyone feel that” and 100,000 other people posting “yeah”
Barber: “How would you like your hair cut, sir?”
Me: “With scissors.”
Barber: “Very good, sir.”
*puts samurai sword down*
If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.
In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.
ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose
PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance
I picked up one of my son’s school masks and it had a horrific red mess inside and before I could even put words to my fears he said “I dropped a meatball in it.”
Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.
TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times
interrogator: you leave us no choice. time for good cop, jazz cop
suspect: you mean bad cop?
interrogator: no
suspect: i confess.
You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible
Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
starting a cleaning service for people with ADHD. I won’t be doing any of the actual cleaning, I’ll just be calling you at random times to tell you I’m on my way to your house and I’ll be there in about 45 minutes
a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back
Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble
Why did I laugh so hard at this 😂
[therapy]
me: I’m really trying to change
therapist: that’s great
me: I want to be become a different person
therapist: how
me: *squeezes eyes closed* telekinesis
therapist: no
My kids spent two hours “cleaning” and accomplished literally nothing.
Then I told them they had ten minutes to pick up everything or they were grounded.
Then they finished in eight.
PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!
ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*
Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.
My grandmother reached 100 yesterday!
That’s the last time I get in the car with her when she’s late for bingo.
If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON