Boss “Are you high?”
Me “If I was high could I do this?”
*Inserts a USB into it’s port the right way up 1st time”
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It’s with great sadness that I must say goodbye to you all!
My boyfriend and I argued over how much time I spend on here. He said I must choose between y’all or him. So, I’m gonna be offline for a couple minutes while I help him pack & call him an Uber … I’ll be right back
3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*
I used to wear tailored suits. Now I have “good” leggings, “grocery store” leggings and “so it’s come to this” leggings.
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
Her: Do we have any chicken stock?
Me: I’m not sure what that has to do with soup, but I’ll call my broker on Monday.
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Not so fast. Let me introduce you to…THE GREAT SUMMER CHORE CHART OF 2017!
*3 kids faint, 1 runs away*
What’s the most ridiculous demand a customer has made of you? I’ll go first: when I was working retail, a woman once demanded I pick her up from her Botox appointment with my car & bring her to the mall to shop
18 hasn’t had a haircut since the start of the pandemic, yesterday he let 20 cut his hair so he could donate it, today the post office lady asked what I was sending and I said a ponytail and not another word, anyway, I’m expecting to be on a list by end of day.
her: the moon is so romantic tonight
me: how
the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey
me: h-[blushing] hey
What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”
I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it
[enters elevator]
Me: *audible toot*
Them:
Me: I am not here to make friends.
Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?
Googles *getting back in shape*
Google: back?
Could you play us a song?
Cat Stevens: Maybe.
*Sets guitar on table*
Cat Stevens: *Maintains eye contact-slowly pushes guitar off table*
No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.
A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE
What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Me: *blushes*Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.
God: go forth and multiply
Me: I was told there would be no math.
You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me
I have never related to a cat more
The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.
I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.
[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”
A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.
My daughter is late coming down to breakfast. Her 3 strips of bacon are getting cold. I mean 2 strips. Sorry, 1 strip. She’ll have cereal.
i haven’t put on any weight i don’t know what you’re talking about