You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.
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ME: I thought only old people got that
DOCTOR:
ME:
DOCTOR:
ME: Oh…
My 5yo woke up early this morning and was playing very quietly because he didn’t want to wake grandpa. I’d never seen anything like it! Apparently all my son needed to play quietly was an adult in the house that he respected.
JUMPER ON BRIDGE: Stay back, I just want to end it all
GOOD COP: Please, you don’t have to do this
CAT COP: *slowly pushes him off bridge*
DAD: when your grandpa died we planted that tree so we don’t forget him
ME: cool
[later]
TREE: You still remember grandpa chuck?
ME: yeah
TREE: cool just checkin
We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.
I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.
I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.
If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.
Inspirational tweet.
God: “Adam looks kind of lonely down there. What should I do?”
Frog: “ribbit”
God: “haha, alright man”
When someone asks me how my day is, I like to say “Still kinda pissed about Hiroshima,” & then start swearing in Japanese.
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
Son: mom, you wanna dance with me?
Me, who has no rhythm: *dances*
Son: maybe you can just watch me instead.
*drinks Grey Goose
*adds bird fanatic to the resume
Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster
A ponytail so tight I look 5 years younger and everyone thinks I’ve been smiling all day.
When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.
All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.
In WWII soldiers left burlesque magazines around so if an enemy found it he’d yell “HOt DOG” then howl like a wolf & give away his position
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkwardWhat a sturdy clavicle you have.
*date night*
Her: Why did you say you were a bad chef? These crunchy tacos look great!
Me: …omelettes 🙁
Me *googling* are people who steal ducks called abducktors or kidquackers?
FBI agent monitoring me: *reaching for whiskey* Jesus Christ
My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…
yeah i’m a bit of a rebel
Me: Now do you believe me?
Wife: The fridge isn’t haunted.
Me: Then who made all that ice?
Wife: *walks away*
Me: WHO?!
You know that kid on the field who’s too busy spinning in circles to notice the ball coming at him? He’s mine, and he’s not even on a team.
I respect women so much I don’t even talk to them
I’m confident that I could drink sea water if I had to. Like if I needed to, my body would just handle it. I’m not saying scientists are wrong but they don’t know me.
My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor
Just finished reading my first grade students’ attempts at narrative writing. One student wrote about the “dinosaurs who lived a long time ago in 1990.”
I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.
It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.
You win again, life.