carly rae jepsen: call me maybe
dads: ok maybe![]()
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Helpful sayings when keys are lost:
“They must be somewhere”
“Where did you last see them?”
“They’ll turn up”
“What do they look like?”
“Have you checked your pockets?”
“And you’re sure you’ve checked everywhere?”
“They’ll be in the last place you look”
“You had them earlier”
[first date]
Me: I don’t like flowers
Her: orchids?
Me: nope, but it’s a little soon to be talking about starting a family
You spin me right round, baby, right round…
~ my Roomba at night probably
Psychiatrist:
“Tell me about your kids.”Me:
“Total disappointments.”Psychiatrist:
“I still think this is a conflict of interest, Dad.”
Friend: *sets up chess board*
Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
[scene: a smoky Paris bar]
BARTENDER: You feel trapped, mais oui? You hunt the rabbit, but the rabbit, he mocks you. Always you are made to play the fool, in a cycle you cannot escape.
FUDD: *nodding bleakly* I’m suffewing, Henwi.
Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.
“Great minds think alike”
So do stupid minds
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak
I dont know how to break this to my kids, but I think we should see other families.
An e-mail confirming you’ve unsubscribed from a mailing list is a fun way of saying you’re not having the last word in THIS argument, pal.
Therapist: what would you say to your dad if he were alive today?
Me: sorry for cremating you. I honestly thought you were dead
No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies
There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.
How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
Priest: Do you take this woman to be your wife?
Me: “I do”
Priest: Ok can you say it again without using finger quotes while you do it
a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people
Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!
Seduce Angela Merkel by fondling the hem of her cardigan while whispering “Aren’t you too pretty to be a Chancellor?”
Iron Man: I’ll hack into their security.
Hulk: HULK SMASH DOOR!
Thor: I’ll silence their guards.
Captain America: What’s a microwave?
i’m having this made into a welcome mat
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i saw this and everything about it annoyed me so i’m posting it in hopes that it annoys you too
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little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
I propose we rename our seasons:
• Blizzard
• Flood
• Oven
• Kinda Nice For A Bit
[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here
“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?
*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries