carly rae jepsen: call me maybe
dads: ok maybe
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ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..
Trains are just sideway elevators.
Some of y’all tomorrow …
Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied
INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.
TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?
Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?
Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head
Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy
“Huge hole found growing on surface of Sun”
*drops string cheese*
“This hole is no cause for alarm”
*picks up string cheese*
I hate starting new relationships . I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for two months.
if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing
How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit
[i see a hot girl walking her dog]
me: hi, can i ask you a question?
her: hi, uh, sure
me: i was talking to your dog
her: oh haha ok
me: *crouches down* hey buddy, your owner is hot, can you put in a good word for me
The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.
Afraid to fly? It’s perfectly safe except that air traffic controllers are all gov’t employees forced to work the holidays.
Merry Xmas.
* has cake for breakfast
* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber
* blames running shoes
It’s so unfair in life you meet the adult equivalents of the bad kids from Charlie & the Chocolate Factory and you’re not allowed to murder them in various ironic ways.
YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.
Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.
Wife: You won’t believe what Diane did at work today
Me: (thinking, “I don’t care”)
Wife: I heard that
My ex is going through hard times during the current lockdown,
so I’ve sent her some food parcels using “Fed Ex”.#lockdownUKnow #foodparcel #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Padmé: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who’s not going to murder me.
Anakin: You’ve chosen wisely.
152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.
Me: I need one washer for the sink
Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces
me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years
her: oh wow. army? navy?
me: olive garden
*Addressing the crowd that just watched me take 23 moves to park my truck*
ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!
HUSBAND 911: what your emergency?
ME: my wife hears everything
HUSBAND 911: do I?
ME: what?
HUSBAND 911: what?
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
“Emergency Defibrillator”
As opposed to the one we keep around for fun?
” Don’t be upset”
Thanks man , I needed to be told that
I’m better now.
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *strips naked and does running man*
Wife – “….”