“To label you “divine” would be to capture but a fraction of your resplendence.
… and could you pleeeeease grab an Oreo while you’re up?”
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How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜
just pick it off the pizza, you won’t taste it
~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us
All great Italian chefs smoke. That’s how they time their cooking. For example, spaghetti boils for 1 cigarette.
There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.
PEAK POKEMON DESIGN
My grandma used to read me the Bible before bed and then switched to a book about the Wright Brothers without telling me, so I thought airplanes were in the Bible til I was like, 15.
when people make fun of me for reading fiction, I don’t get mad. I simply invite them down into my cellar for a glass of fine vintage. they have never read Poe; they have no idea what’s coming.
librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh
I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.
My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart
2005: We want cell phones to be so tiny
2015: We want cell phones the size of the big rib from the Flintstones intro that tips the car over
What did the bra say to the hat? “You go on a head, I’ll give these two a lift.” (I’m back to silly jokes. Probably for the best.)
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
i will avenge u mr van gogh
THEM: in 186 days an asteroid is going to collide with Earth
EVERYONE ELSE: *screaming*
ME: *deletes MyFitnessPal app*
My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers
Them: Can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *bursts into flames*
Lets keep this short tell me what I did right
I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.
Genie: You have three wishes.
Me: First, I would like a time machine.
*travels back in time a few minutes now owning a time machine*
Genie: You have three wishes.
Ok, I’m disowning my entire family so that means y’all are my family now!
…I’m gonna need a head count for Thanksgiving, ok?
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
let’s split up gang… me and this super hot girl who hangs out with us for some reason are gonna search the house… turtleneck u take the dog and this filthy hippie to the graveyard
Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping
the short answer to this question
Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) tweeting a coded message
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
Me: [drinks SlimFast]
Me: [takes off shirt]
Me: [drinks SlimFaster]
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I usually take an afternoon nap
Interviewer: what? why?
Me: have to sober up for the drive home
I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.