Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.
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I’ve lost my pet pigeon in London. His full name is Immanuel Kant, but he’s a bit old and deaf, so if you’re in London, please go to Trafalgar Square and keep shouting “Kant” as loud as you can, and see if you can find him for me. Thanks.
#NationalPetDay
The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.
I’m going to throw up in my cat’s bed and see how she likes it
Boss: We’ve just found out that one of you is a sloth
Jim: oh no
Jo: oh no
Karl: oh no
Boss: obviously we will need to
Me: oh no
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?
The real world does feel a bit like the state of Batman comics right now.
You beat one grinning evil, two more show up, and while you’re fighting them, the first one is resurrected and pretty soon you’re banging the cat lady.
me: I bet other husbands don’t get put in timeout!
wife: I bet they don’t put their mother-in-law’s phone number on a Craigslist ad either!
Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
Felt like I got slapped upside the head but there was nobody around, must have been my guardian angel.
It’s so considerate of drug dealers to make the Police’s job so much easier, by always dressing just like drug dealers
Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.
Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?
Wife: *pumps shotgun*
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠
Ankles by my ears? What is this? Cirque du Soleil??
Hello? This is your downstairs neighbor. I really hate to be a bother, but I am in bed trying to sleep. Could you please turn the stereo down?
It’s in the living room. You’ll find my door unlocked. Thank you.
I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”
2008: I want a career where I change the world
2012: It’d be great to make decent money doing something I’m proud of
2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues
Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”
Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable
Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
You’re like if “nope” was a person.
No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!
CUSTODY ATTORNEY: No
Marriage, Year one: I love watching you shave. You’re so cute!
Marriage, year ten: You leave whiskers in that sink one more time and I’ll drown you in it
Yoda: *dies and fades away*
Luke: Thank God. I was so sick of his backward talking.
Ghost Yoda: Heard that, I did.
My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.
That was easy.
I dumbed there ONE time and now this.