Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
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me: i’ll just have one more bite
narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites
A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?
Cat:
God:
Cat:
God: *creates dogs*
Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.
*hip thrusts my way to the buffet table*
I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.
Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.
ME: I’d like a free burrito
CHIPOTLE CASHIER: Sir, it’s buy 1 get 1 free
ME: Right [points to stranger] that guy just bought one
Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.
what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: ugh yeah the spacing wouldn’t format properly
Interviewer: OMG I hate that
My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.
Don’t worry. I never get laid.
i think all men sincerely believe they could safely land a commercial airliner in an emergency situation with only air traffic control to walk them through it
Google reviews are always so mixed..
I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking
Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
…
CIA: They’re*
I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆
Arguing over who really won the spelling bee but it’s their word against mine
[boarding a plane]
me: I’m nervous
steward: oh why?
me: *leans in for kiss*
Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium
My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.
the chicken was already gone when I got here
I’ve just completed a cohort study that confirms people can go longer without sex if they have an adequate supply of chocolate and peanut butter
I call it my Reese’s Thesis
Making toast in the bathtub just hits differently
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.
Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.
[texting mom]
u were right, my interviewer wasn’t crazy about the lucky binky
Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.