Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases
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Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.
[middle ages]
King: my soldiers should wear suits that is more protective
Queen: *are more
King: babe that is brilliant
I’m calling the cops.
Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.
*Dog begging for chocolate bar*
“Dogs are so dumb, always wanting stuff that’ll kill them.”
*lights cig, cracks beer, finishes burger*
I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…
All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.
~inspirational tweet
I’m not saying she’s a tease, I’m just saying she’s like a weather forecast for a beautiful weekend on a Wednesday…
How’s the parenting going over here?
My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”
Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”
Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”
it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy
ME: how old is your son?
WOMAN WHO STILL CAN’T ACCEPT THAT HER BABY HAS GROWN UP AND MOVED OUT: 288 months
Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?
Amateur.
I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.
Clue is a wonderful game that teaches children about murder.
Okey dokey.
Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.
Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
On average, it takes a person 7 minutes to fall asleep…
2.5, if Tammy from purchasing is telling you about her weekend.
Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?
I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?
*jolts awake*
*frantically searches around*WAIT A MINUTE!
THIS FEELS LIKE ONLY 47 PILLOWS!
I got a call from the library saying I was in “serious, serious trouble” for a long overdue book.
Then they told me I would be fined $1.37 and I wonder if this is how rich people feel all the time.
I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.
I choose toothpaste NOT recommended by dentists… those sneaky tooth-fiddlers have a lot to gain from promoting one that doesn’t work.
Got my first dose of the vaccine and, so far, the only side affect I’ve noticed is something I haven’t seen reported (and it may just be my imagination), but I think the vaccine has made me better-looking.
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.
Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*