dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
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Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible
Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn’t make the shampoo
Comments like this are why we can’t have nice things
[at Starbucks]
Barista: Coffee?
Me: Yes, a medium please
Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille
ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?
HER: I asked if you were a “people” person
ME: ohhh…definitely not
5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.
My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?
things are looking up for me, a very eccentric russian guy and his wife who claim to be artists and live in the house they’re building by the lake just invited me to their very weird sounding housewarming party
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
No, of course I’m not mad.
It’s fine.
*goes home, starts building a Death Star.
I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.
So, I bought the Cucumber Mint lip balm from Burt’s Bees. I kinda love it and hate it too. What? Oh, yeah I want to report a murder.
Boss: why’d you leave early?
Me: you said cease the day
Boss: yes I said seize the day
Me:
Boss:
There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.
I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’
My dog and I are just drivin around, listenin to music and OMG DOG DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE? PAWS AT 10 AND 2. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT SQUIRREL
Husband: My hair looks terrible today. Ohhhh I found out mike’s wife asked him for a divorce
Me: Ohh no! What happened?
Husband: I don’t know, I think I just slept on it weird.
Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.
TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!
My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.
me:
Game of Thrones fan: man i just got out of a meeting that was a TOTAL Red Wedding. I thought heads were gonna roll like Ned Starks haha. Oh dont i owe you from lunch the other day? A Lannister always pays his debts! Anyway better bundle up out there, winter is coming LOL!!
Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.
Dr.: Very well. Just relax..
*puts bow on Pacman’s head
Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.
No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.