If I ever disappear and my family notices that my house is clean, they will know for sure I was murdered and someone had to clean up the crime scene.
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Shoulder devil: Do it! Do it!
Shoulder angel:
Shoulder devil: Oh he long gone
the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip
Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.
home depot should sell a 12ft turkey skeleton for thanksgiving
ME: this is great
INSTRUCTOR: you’ve never used a gun before, huh?
ME: [throwing another gun at the target] I need more guns
Me: Coke please
Server: Sorry we don’t have Coke. Is vodka ok?
Me: Why yes, yes it is
as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.
Kids will do something that makes you angry and you’ll tell them it makes you angry and they’ll cry and tell you they don’t want you to be angry while continuing to do the thing that makes you angry.
[sees kid crying in the mall]
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m lost.”
“You’re in the mall you little idiot.”
FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.
I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.
9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.
Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm
If You Give an Alligator a Corpse is my favorite children’s book about how one little snack leads to an exotic pet addiction and a life on the run.
Me: intuitive eating is easy. It’s all about listening to your body
My body: I’m begging you…eat a vegetable….please
Me: what’s that? More cheese?
Me: I will do anything to not gain weight this holiday season.
Friend: limit your food intake, don’t drink alcohol, and exercise.
Me: No, not like that.
That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?
how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism
I was nerding out to a friend over something Harry Potter related in the pub and now the bartender keeps asking me “what can I get you, Gryffindork?”
Computer: [down]
Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket
Our daughter ran away from home
once when she was a teenager.We were frantic.
Within months, we called the police
to report her missing.
[after a few beer I get the confidence to use the word cataclysmic] the effects of the climate crisis are going to be [beer doing what beer does] catsarechristmas
just had a really bad argument with some guy I invented in my head
Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays
Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.
When I was a kid I vowed that when I grew up my freezer would always be filled with ice cream bars.
Meet my wife, the dream killer.
my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice
7:02 pm: I’ll probably have 1 or 2 beers
2:43am: [emailing the former CEO of radio shack] WHY THE FUCJ WERE U SELLING VCRS IN 2014
“my therapist actually told me im right and you’re wrong” oh really? your therapist who you pay $300 an hour, who only heard your side of the story, told you you’re right?