Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.
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Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!
I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies
[on a plane]
ME: how much for wine?
ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot
ME: oh right it’s free
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
Tried to talk my kid through using the microwave while I was in a meeting, so I get it nasa ground control
Playing catch with my 8yo, I missed a high throw and said “could’ve got that in my 30s.” He replied “oh yea when you get old you get shorter.”
I constantly lose my phone so it’s really up to you if you want to play ‘shes ignoring me or her phone is in the fridge’
My husband hates it when I say ‘long story short’ so I’m going to start saying ‘the long and the short of it’. Marriage is all about compromise.
Me: What are we doing for Valentine’s Day?
My Husband: Raising three kids
There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.
Her: [eating lettuce for dinner] so yeah, with those 3 small changes, I lost 4% body fat.
Me: [eating a beer for dinner] fight me
millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to
him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity
Just a reminder that your coworkers aren’t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.
Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.
Nobody:
Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”
My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.
“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
My teen complained that he didn’t like the dinner I made so I told him to be sure to leave his Yelp review & also, I don’t care.
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.
Why did they make Courtney Cox? Because Lisa Kudrow.
If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.
I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.
[tv interview]
I’m with Amy. Her house was damaged by the floods, how are you?
[cut to Amy crying]
MORE LIQUID IS THE LAST THING WE NEED AMY
Me: If there’s Super Mario then how come regular Mario doesn’t wear glasses?
Therapist: I’m going to increase your medication
My kid said if I don’t stop calling it ‘Instantgram’ that he won’t talk to me for the entire Summer. So I’m going to start saying ‘The Facebook’ as well, just to be sure.
me: siri, clear my evening appointments, i’ve got a date tonight.
siri: “lol yeah ok. beep boop beep. gotcha.”
Not messing around
got kicked out of another gang for bringing spinach casserole to the trap house