kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl
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[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me
Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.
My favorite part about sci-fi movies is when all aliens and people from other worlds only speak English
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news
SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time
I just unplugged my WIFI and heard someone yell WTF from across the street!
[Couples Therapy]
HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead
HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26
ME: OMG SEE!
A good friend bails you out of jail, a best friend is sitting in the cell right next to you, a worst friend framed both of you for murder.
Bad news:
I got so busy drafting tweets, I forgot to pick the kids up at school.Worse news:
I’m a bus driver
My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.
Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???
“HAHA WTF LMAO OMG LOL HAHA WTF LMAO LMAO HAHA LOL OMG LMAO LOL WTF LMAO” – Birds at 6AM
Y’all answering phones calls while on the toilet need Jesus
Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.
10: Mom, I need to tell you a secret. Dad thought he was eating white chocolate, but it was a piece of your vanilla scented candle and he liked it. Don’t tell anyone, ok?
Me: Oh, don’t worry…
You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider
“Welcome to another meeting of Horse Club. Let’s try to actually get something done today. All in favor?”
Crowd: “NEIGH!”
“Jesus Christ.”
I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.
My password is “weak?” Well your password recovery security question is soft as shit. The city I was born in? Ask me why my mom left my dad.
I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.
Were they really expecting gold or something?
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.
It’s science.
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon
*power walks to the refrigerator*
At a job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive
thinker.”“Give me an example”
“When do I start?”
[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
Looking at the huge commercial success of the ‘Barbie’ movie means I’m already bracing myself for the inevitable ‘Mr. Clean’ movie starring Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson.
*deletes your contact information*
Siri: Are you sure you really want to do that? You’ve already deleted and re-added this guy 17 times.
every TV pilot:
“Hey man! How long’s it been, 13 years? I haven’t seen you since you got kicked off the force under dubious circumstances. Are you still haunted by the death of your wife?”
My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?