I was trying to create a wonderful family experience strawberry picking, but there just isn’t enough wine for me to deal with my kids thinking it was funny to smear red strawberries on the back of my white pants.
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[God creating teenagers]
What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?
me: it doesn’t have a tail so i’m pretty sure it’s a hamster
tech support: okay fine right-click the hamster
I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them
cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—
me: lemme stop you right there. yes
If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies
please hire me for anything except the job i do now. qualifications include but not limited to:
•can walk up and down stairs
•can easily identify when someone is talking
•knows all US states except one
•once ate a blueberry muffin like an apple
•can smell most numbers
Me: No serial killer will ever lure me into their murder van. I’ m too smart for that.
Murderer:
Not to brag, but I parallel parked without hitting anything, taking 15 mins, or winding up on the sidewalk. No cars were around, but still.
Hey women, save your money, we just want you wrapped in a bow for Christmas. Wait, don’t even worry about buying the bow.
When did razors get so expensive?
Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave
In first grade when I’d tell my parents what I learned in class and they’d act amazed, I’d think “Shouldn’t you know this shit already?”
Laundry:
Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.
Did Roberto Martinez just moonwalk out of the job
Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?
Wife: do you even know his name anymore?
Me: yes wife of course I know his name.
[ant colony]
husband: I am beat
wife: you’re the one who wanted to be in construction. I should’ve married a doctor
husband: yeah but *flexing* can a doctor lift 5,000 times his body weight?
wife: WE ALL CAN, GARY
My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.
When my neighbor’s bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.
I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid
Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?
You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.
Oops, I ate my feelings again.
~ a memoir
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have
I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.
Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.
Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit
Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”
-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.
-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.