My 7yo, “rich people have a lot of money and we don’t have that much, so we are normal people.” Idk, I’m still stuck on “we” because she has zero money.
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In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.
Me: I wanna travel somewhere
My bank account: To the other room? or?
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
someone tried to scam my grandpa by pretending to be me saying “hey grandpa, it’s your grandson, i’m stranded in europe and i need you to wire me $5,000” and my grandpa was just like “…robert would never be in europe”
I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.
how to have fun when you’re poor
Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.
I’m NOT ashamed of my body. I worked hard for athletic build, healthy brown hair, 4 gorgeous legs, strong neck, big wet nose, clip clop feet
1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
Everyone is so pissed off about the birds that they neglect to notice those eight maids a-milking also came with eight cows a-shitting.
7yo: Let’s not talk ALL day today
6yo: Ok!
Me: *holy shit yessss*
7yo: LET’S ONLY WHISTLE AND CLAP INSTEAD
Me: Right. Of course.
*angrily detangles self from wind chime*
Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.
[aliens arrive]
people: *screaming crying hiding*
me: *frantically learning how to spell TAKE ME in music and math*
[Me as an Italian language translator]
Police: Ask him where the money is hidden.Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.
Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)
Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.
stop asking your partner if they would still love you if you were a worm and start asking them if they would still love you if you wore transition lens glasses
Me: I learned everything I know about Cinco de Mayo from watching Coco.
Him: Coco was about Day of the Dead, not Cinco-
Me: Cinco, Coco, YOU KNOW I DON’T SPEAK SPANISH, TODD!
I told my kid that the fish fossil was found 194 years ago. He asked if I’d found it. And that’s when he mysteriously disappeared…
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.
Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.
I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.
Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.
[roleplaying]
her: this is weird
me: [dressed as lumiere from beauty and the beast] say “i’ve been burned by you before”
her: [dressed as the feather duster] no
Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.
“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”