First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching
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If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.
*finds baby on doorstep*
Me: Should…should we keep it?
Wife: …Let’s sleep on it
Me: (wide-eyed) Christ Deborah that’d kill him
*sitting in HR wearing devil horns*
HR: We need to talk about your attire.
Me: I was always told to dress for the job you want.
Rocket scientist: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Brad Pitt: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Guy who has a car: I’m gonna try my luck
no one in the history of the world has ever been less interested in making grand proclamations than I
I don’t always go the extra mile
But when I do…
It’s because I missed my exit.
fedex guy: here’s ur package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
RIDDLER: riddle me this
TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*
Landlords be like “it’s an old building” alright then I’ll pay old rent, here’s 20 bucks it’s a fortune
ME ONLINE: all people deserve the same rights & quality of life
ME IN TRAFFIC: I HOPE EVERYONE IN THIS MINIVAN GETS EATEN BY RABID BADGERS
[trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go
Just watched Home Alone 4 with my kids. The writers should be sentenced to a semester of Physics 101 at a community college.
*Hears sound in the middle of the night*
Mildly afraid – it’s an intruder.
Absolutely terrified – it’s going to wake my toddler.
I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.
Sorry I ruined our sexy video chat by repeating, “come and play with us, Danny” in my creepy twins-from-The-Shining voice.
Classified ad:
Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.
what kind of monster rides a horse through a desert and doesn’t have the decency to give the horse a name
Of course I work out. I do burpees after drinking pop. I do lunges to grab the last slice of pizza & squats if I drop it.
Me: Don’t forget we’re wearing matching costumes for Halloween.
Husband: Great! What should we be?
Me: I meant me and the dog.
Husband: Of course you did.
I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.
If twitter ends I guess I’ll just mail my tweets to Reader’s Digest like I used to.
So few educational toys today! As a kid, my Tonka dump truck taught me not to pinch the shit out of my finger between two metal parts.
KID: what do geese do at night
PARENT: good question
GOOSE(in a surveillance van): [spits out coffee] dammit we’re running out of time
There’s always that one guy
Latex inflatable trousers, don’t leave home without them.
#Harikrishnan #Menswear #LondonCollegeOfFashion
Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.
I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.
Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.
(I am 6 months pregnant)
Me after ordering my coffee:
Stranger at Starbucks: you know you should be drinking decaf when you’re pregnant.
Me: I’m… not pregnant.
Stranger: (horrified) I am so, so sorry!
And that’s what you get for giving unsolicited advice.
7: Can I have a play date with Sally? She’s fun.
Me: Sure, but you know Mommy is the only girlfriend you can ever have, right?
Husband, walking by: Yeah, he’ll end up normal.