Our dog jumped on my phone while I was checking Outlook and deleted an entire folder of work emails, so I’ve hired her as my personal assistant
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store clerk: it works exactly like a roomba but it’s a mower
me: excellent [opening wallet] I would LOVE shorter carpet
Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.
I hope Alan is OK
[butterfly residence]
WIFE: You said you’d change, Carl
HUSBAND: But I have
WIFE: Not really
HUSBAND: Uh…I used to be a fricken caterpillar
“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”
What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?
Wishful thinking. Obviously
I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits
One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it
Me: getting the flu shot wasn’t so bad, was it?
5: it was really loud
Me: loud?
5: yes because I screamed the whole time!
if i ever call you after we haven’t spoken in a while saying that i “just wanted to say hi” know that you probably died horrifically in my dream last night
Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition
For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.
My EarPods died 5 minutes into my walk so I’m going home to watch TV. It was a sign. Exercise is stupid.
This day in history. 2004. Ken announced that he had broken things off with Barbie but not to avoid another outrageously extravagant Valentine’s Day no not at all.
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
I’m a failure as a sociopath. I’m just not very good at manipulating and taking advantage of people. I’m more of a so-sopath.
When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.
Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.
Officer: Did u know your back light is out
Me: I don’t know if you noticed… I’m inside the car. You had a bit of an advantage
Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why
There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.
Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.
Me: How many chicken nuggets do you want tonight?
7yo: 100
Me: As a guide, you usually have 4-6
7yo (thinking): 30
“I can’t, too busy”:
– no one believes you
– tired
– allows for future invitations“I can’t. Not since the accident”
– mysterious
– fresh
– prevents future invitations
My new lady Dr just flirted with me. Bit her bottom lip and told me I’m too sweet.
*Her exact words were “severely diabetic,” but I know how to read the signs.
Rules for rap battling Eminem:
1. Do not let Eminem go first.
2. Do not let Eminem go second.
“Please, do that thing again with your tongue…” – Me talking to my pet lizard:(
Kale is made of old hotel shower curtains.
Change my mind.
If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.