I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…
and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”
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You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.
me *sneezes*
cw: Bless you
me *sneezes*
cw: Allergies?
[flashback to me snorting pepper because my kid dared me to]
me: Yeah, I guess so
Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard
I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.
When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?
I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet
WAITER:What would you like?
ME:What would YOU like?
W:Excuse me?
M:No one ever asks you, do they?
W:*tearing up* No.. they don’t. Thank you.
me: [struggling to think of things to talk about] “so what do you do for a living?”
barber: [slowly stops cutting my hair]
Is there anything funnier than when a cozy cat or dog suddenly heaves a big SIGH like dude what could possibly be the matter
Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.
5yo: I’m physically capable of the task you’re asking me to do and have done it many times, but I’ll ask for “help,” by which I mean you do it for me.
2yo: I am physically incapable of the task I want to do, but if you try to help in any way, I’ll become an inferno of screams.
If you hit a person with a Tesla
will you be charged for battery?#OneLinersDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
6 was jealous about other kids getting notes in their lunches, so I put one in his:
“Sorry, I ate your pudding. Love, Dad.”
Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.
If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.
happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
Brother: *calls* Can you pick me up at the airport tomorrow?
Me: Sure. Can’t wait to see you.
Him: I land at 5 AM.
Me: I have no brother.
My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.
“It’s better to give than to receive.”
I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet
MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh
If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire
I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not
It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: rewatching Frozen.
Wife: why?
Me: so I know what’s going on when I take our Daughter to see Frozen II.
Wife: why?
Me: so we can talk about both movies on the drive home.
Wife: why?
Me: cause she loves Frozen and I want to share this with her.
CEO: we’re shutting down 60 offices to save $$ and everyone will work at home.
me: cool. do i get a bigger raise next year then?
CEO: haha no. but we will give you your office chair for free
Me: This week was long as shit, I’m exhausted, I have nothing to tweet.
*one minute after turning out light*
My brain: The fictional reality the super-rich have created for themselves is the Yacht Matrix.
Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…
That I do not possess, apparently.