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I’ve been deep cleaning my house, so far I’ve removed 2,547 rocks 6,872 leaves and 4,925 sticks from my kid’s rooms.
My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.
the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell
[stopping the tattoo artist 15 seconds into my “feel no pain” tattoo] ok so you’re gonna laugh
Dress for the job you want to sleep at
Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.
Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.
The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”
Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.
[date]
HER: *staring into my eyes* Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *daydreaming about dogs on trampolines* Just you, girl.
Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black
The only hot singles in my area are in my wallet
All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.
Used to tell my kids that I had underwear older than them but now that the kids are 21 and 24, I’ve stopped. Also, to be fair, they’re not much more than waistbands now.
As my friend Joe’s last wish I had him cremated and sprinkled his ashes into the coffee pots at work..all morning everyone had a cup of Joe
You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you
If you startle me, I blow up like a puffer fish and roll away.
My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix
Her: I’m a sapiophile
Me: I don’t know what that is
Her: it’s being attracted to intelligence
Me: totally I am a sap… sapial… me too
Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.
DATE: what’s your favorite movie?
ME: Se-seven-en
DATE: you mean Se7en? it’s just seven spelled with a 7 instead of a V
ME: *scoffs* you really think the creators of a great movie like Se-seven-en would do something that dumb
If my dad were still alive today I’m sure he’d be really pissed off over that whole cremation thing.
What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?
February 14th.
PRIEST: does anyone object to this marriage
ME: (clearing throat)
BRIDE:
GROOM:
PRIEST:
ME: i accidentally swallowed a Lego just now
If you give your kid a roll of tape today then you should expect you’ll need to buy more tape tomorrow
My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.
Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?
My 12yo threatened to defenestrate me and I told him he’s ‘maybe in so much trouble’ and to ‘hold it right there mister’ while I Googled. Like a boss.
Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.
Wife: London. He means London.