“Well butter my biscuit”
-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment
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*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now
My kid just called me by “hey you” and I saw all my other kids and the dogs turn and walk out of the room faster than they’ve ever walked before.
Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.
[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage
Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.
*shows buyers around my home*
This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really
If you ask him what he admires most about a woman and he says brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie.
[alternate universe]
cows on a road-trip: look a car!
According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.
we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy
College alumni magazines should share more than just weddings, babies and career stuff, like I wanna see when people get fired or divorced or someone gets cheated on or falls into a well.
“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks
I’m 45 yrs old. I have never turned on a flashlight without making the lightsaber noise
me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.
Which essential oils calm down household family members? Chloroform?
It’s chloroform isn’t it?
Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.
A boy at church was asked if he knew what the resurrection was. “Yes, and if it lasts more than 4 hours you’re supposed to see a doctor.”
I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.
My husband asked how he could make me happy and I said “hold on, I have a list” and he laughed, but it wasn’t funny because I did have a list.
Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.
5: Daddy, can I help?
Me: No, sorry. This is a tough job
5: [robot voice] I. am. a. ro-bot.
I. will. com-plete. the. work. of. 10. men.Me: [handing over tools]
fedex guy: here’s ur package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
both dogs refuse to go out to pee in the rain so i have to lift each one up and heave them out the back door like i’m a bouncer and they just got in a fight
My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.
I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.
I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.
I miss the part of the pandemic when the pizza delivery guy would place my order on a little box and walk away from it like I was royalty.
Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?
Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one
me: no need to cut it, it’s just for me
pizza guy: u sure?