Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment
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Revenge is sweet I whisper to myself as I use the guest towels.
Walked into the donut shop in my ski mask and the cashier started to empty the register into a bag, I had to stop her and tell her I just wanted all the donuts.
[In a warehouse]
Murderer: I’m gonna get you!Me: *echoing from hidden location* Hi, “gonna get you”, I’m Dad!
Murderer: What the… where are you?
Me: Did you look under there?
Murderer: Under whe-Hey!
Me: *whispering* Super lame murderer says What.
Murder: What- Damn it!
MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi
An old boyfriend hearted my picture on Facebook instead of just liking it, so I was wondering what we should name our kids.
Son, your mom and I have been fighting a lot lately and we have decided that *dad piledrives mom into the coffee table* we’re gonna go pro.
The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
Ok, imagine torturing someone
But, by torture, I’m just asking a person to get their pajamas on
And, by someone, I mean my son
#parenthood
*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*
“What did you wish for?”
“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”
A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
If I ever die while lifting at the gym, add more weights before calling 911.
“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”
Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?
Had day surgery – came out with about fifteen less followers than when I went in with.
So apparently I’m offensive even when unconscious.
dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!
My schedule in my 20s revolved around kids’ feeding, baths, and diapering. My schedule in my 30s revolved around kids’ school and activities. My schedule in my 40s revolves around my bladder.
Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam
Newsreader FACT: John Snow started his career at an Eskimo news channel but was let go because it took too long to introduce him.
Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.
Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight
Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.
9: Why do some British people drop the t’s in their accents?
Me: Cause they have different accents from different parts of England.
9: No it’s cause they drank all the teas!
10yo checking the weather app:
OH F-Me: LANGUAGE!
10: -OG!
Me: ohhh my bad, carry on
[first day as a surgeon]
me: do you have any questions?
patient: how often do people die during this surgery?
me: just once
Jacob Marley: You will be haunted, by three spirits
Me: Ok, like that’s any worse than being haunted by the stupid thing I said in science class back in 2000.
There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.