I have strict instructions to my husband that upon my death he has to put that “in memory of my beautiful wife” sticker on the back of his car or I’ll haunt him forever.
But who am I kidding? I’m going to haunt him regardless.
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Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.
5: I cleaned my room.
Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.
5: No. Next time you can do it.
6YO: My tummy hurts
Me: Must be the bag of cookies you ate
6YO: It’s the other one, not my cookie tummy
If the kids knew there was a light in the attic, they would leave that one on too.
Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up
*arrives late to the Time Management Skills meeting*
If you see something, say something.
My dog: i got this
Me: look at this stupid thing lol
Person I want to like me: actually I studied that thing at sea for 3 decades and it’s like a father to me
If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.
Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”
Me: Do you have homework?
11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?
Gf: What’s the dog eating?
Me: Piece of hotdog.
Dog: [chewing slows] WHAT.
The only hot singles in my area are in my wallet
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.
[on trial for murder]
lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water
me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-
judge: answer the question
I am grateful for the canned, boxed, frozen dinners my parents provided. BUT my favorite thing about having worked in kitchens for years and having the time and ability to cook great, from-scratch meals for my children is when they say, “Ugh! Can’t we just order pizza!?!”
First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.
I was an English major, which means I may or may not be able to get you out of a dangerous situation, but *patting your arm* at least I can write a 5-paragraph essay on the fatal flaw that led you to it.
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more
my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.
The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
I’m really enjoying this drive through the desert. There’s so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.
it’s the silliest best thing
What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating