*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*
You Might Also Like
VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.
ME: I can’t run either.
I had this boyfriend who was hardcore. Mohawk, tattoos, piercings.
He went to jail and we would write letters. I wrote a letter with a Third Eye Blind lyric on it and he got it tattooed on his arm because he thought I wrote it. I never told him that I didn’t write it.
How can you tell when a duck is a witch?
How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?
*Driving by multiple car pile up with police/ambulance on the scene*
Me: Not interested.
*driving by hot chick*
Me: Maybe just a quick glance.
*driving by any home with an open garage*
Me: Oh, damn. Look at all those power tools. Plus that freezer. I gotta drive by again.
5-year-old: *pretending to be a T-rex* I’m going to eat you.
7-year-old: You can’t. It’s Lent.
When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK
[christmas morning]
ME: I have no gifts to bring
EVERYONE: booooo
ME: …pa rum pum pum pum
EVERYONE: yayyyyyy
What’s that?
“It’s my pet rock.”
Why does it look sad?
DWAYNE JOHNSON: I’m hungry.
A sense of humor is key to a good marriage. For example, my husband makes fun of himself and I laugh and he laughs. I make fun of myself and I laugh and he laughs and I go dead silent.
Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.
Let’s get started
These are called scissors
*collective aww*
The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.
I mistakenly opened a bag of chips and now I have to eat them, so yes, there is such a thing as a fun problem
When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…
About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.
Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent
Is a driver’s Ed instructor
Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!
*first date*
Her: I have tattoos but I won’t say where, maybe you’ll need to investigate and find out? 😉
Me: Ah gotcha, I love investigating. *calls her mum*
This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.
Me: This is great! I love hiking in the woods! You never know if it will be a Hallmark moment or a Blumhouse moment.
Friend: Why are you like this?
Me: It’s like a choose your own adventure.
I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.
Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.
(at the doctor)
Can u cough for me?
*coughs*
Can u exhale for me?
*exhales*
Can u make kissy noises?
*kissy noises*
Can you beatbox at my wedding? the dj backed out.
Ever wonder what happens when you piss into a Brita filter? Well, for starters, you get a TON of emails from Airbnb.
“They grow up so fast.”
– Me, looking at my problems.
The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.
I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.
But hey, Karen got a puppy!
I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.
Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children