My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”
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There are a million designers working on making website buttons have better gradients and none working on the cord that changes how fast your ceiling fan is going. Literally no one knows what speed their fan is on or what will happen if they pull the cord again
When you’ve brought up your child to be kind and never take sides.
Husband: Who’s fatter – mummy or daddy?
Miss 8: You both are.
Met a cute guy at the gym we like all the same movies and he loved my shoes. We have a movie date tonight and he’s bringing his boyfriend.
I’m not antisocial. I’m anti-idiot.
How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.
Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.
My mom’s favorite internet game is “Log me into the Facebook. Is this the Facebook? Is that your brother? Why is he drinking upside down?”
My 7yo gave up a simple joke thats good enough 2 laugh at.
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Cause it was stuck on the chicken’s foot!
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a panda suit*
QUICK HIDE THESE NO TIME TO EXPLAIN
*throws a litter of panda cubs at me*
*kneels to pray*
“Hello, God?”
“YOU’VE REACHED CUSTOMER SUPPORT.”
“Who is this?”
“MY NAME IS BRAD.”
“Are you in Heaven, Brad?”
“NO, INDIA.”
I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.
I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.
If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.
i dont understand why two people reaching into the same bag of snacks at the same time is considered romantic. like excuse me you are in the way of my snacks
“Time is of the essence”
Twitter: Hahaha nope
*opens kitchen drawer*
Me: Whoa, what’s with all the whisks?
Sir-Mix-a-Lot: Why you judgin me?
Do you want a straw or do you want a STRAW?
I cooked a new recipe for dinner and my 6yo ate it. If you need me, I’ll be out buying a lotto ticket because today is clearly my lucky day!
Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”
DOCTOR 1: There’s a tumor in your head the size of a baby carrot.
PATIENT: Oh my god. {starts crying}
DOCTOR: {trying to comfort} Yeah I hate carrots too.
Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?
Why don’t you sing about it?
– Walt Disney as a therapist
I read a list earlier today of toxic things one should avoid
Anyway, thought of you
[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.
firefox refused to restore my session that i’ve had going for 2+ years….
over 7k tabs down the drain….
Resigned to my own fate, but also really hoping that fate includes Snickers bars and an 8th season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
Your baby’s cute. Not baby elephant cute, but still cute.
In 7000 years, some archeologist is going to be confused as shit after he unearths a stationary bicycle.
I napped the entire afternoon away.
I still feel like garbage but at least I’m well-rested garbage.