Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”
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“Ducklings are baby ducks,” I say as I set the appetizer on the table. “Enjoy your dumplings, Ma’am.”
Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.
when the doctor brings med students into your exam
“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????
Yesterday my colleague called me a ‘laptop murderer’ because I cut my computer in half to make it more portable. Does anyone else do this? Is it just me?
Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.
My mom was in town and stopped by with a ‘mom care package’ several days ago.
It included clean wipes because “they’re handy when you know a shower isn’t going to happen.”
I now smell like a toddler.
Cancelling plans is okay. Having your friend over even though he insulted you is okay. Taking him to your wine cellar to show him your rare Amontadillo is okay. Sealing him in with bricks and entombing him alive is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
Her: Are you even capable of love?
Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.
PMS: You okay?
ME: Terrific.
PMS: I may have pushed too far this month.
ME: [in a bathtub full of chocolate pudding] No, we’re cool.
One time I had an MRI and the neurologist said I had a nice looking brain and every time I have a good idea I think of this.
Baby showers are fun until someone has too much champagne and starts a plastic knife fight over a corner piece of cake.
I need a ride home.
Newborns cry because they’re being evicted
I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”
Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.
Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.
Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?
Me: Are you surprised I like kids?
Him: I’m surprised you had sex.
If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee
Date: I decided to take a year to backpack across Europe before going back to Harvard Law.
Me: *eating spaghetti through a straw*
No, I would NEVER put you on mute
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
[wife enters as I’m doing the worm] Wife: WTH are you doing? Me: It’s not what it looks like. Worm: Who the hell is she?!
Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.
Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill
(At a restaurant) 11: What if I ordered a Jack Daniel’s at the bar?
Me: You’d finally go to bed on time.
Wife: Good morning handsome
Me: Hi
Wife: How about you relax, I make us some coffee, and then I… do things to you
Me: *as wife leaves* Wow is this a dream?
Wife: *from the other room* Never mind, the kid threw his shit on the wall again
Me: There it is
just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.
My son just called his mom an “interrupting chicken” so I’m real keen to see how this plays out