Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”
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itβs bullshit that someone made a bowl out of wet dirt 30,000 years ago and now i have to load a dishwasher
Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Candles $3,600
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying
Me: Okay, I may have hidden all the turkey bacon in the grocery store to save humanity from this awfulness, so sue me!
Judge: That is literally what is happening here.
Your girlfriend isn’t hallucinating man, she’s actually seeing other people.
The bar sign said
βWiFi password since1938β
And I was like wow thatβs been your password for a long time
warranty company said my claim was denied because the tear on our couch is a seam tear and not an actual rip or tear. so i’m going to give my 5yo a steak knife and let him be near the couch for a second.
Why does a billionaire need a Bat signal? He is in a cave. How does he even see the signal? Why won’t you just text him?
The pasta is now
my best friend and i made a pact that if weβre both still single when weβre 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree
They should just put something in the water so we all sleep for 14 days.
It would be way faster and I could use a two week nap. I swear to god I should just be in charge of everything.
Enhanced interrogation idea:
If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.
How to cast a summoning spell to bring your children to you, wherever you are: Watch the first 44 minutes of a 51-minute-long murder mystery.
βThis smoothie is spicy!β
βMaβam, thatβs salsa.β
Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.
A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they donβt wake up until lunch.
This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.
Finished the cable concealer project. Finally my wife will be so proud of me
Yoda: Clouded, your future is.
Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?
Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.
Her: Have you seen the salsa?
Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom
Her:
deleting my dating apps and meeting people the old fashion way (3+ years of a sexually tense friendship that devolves into weird cat and mouse games until one of us has to start seeing a psychiatrist)
Whenever I drink I turn into Jason Bourne. I can’t remember much, fighting comes naturally, and I have a sudden need to evade the law.
I hate when I see the moon during the day. Go to bed dude.
(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help
Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”Me: *dies alone
I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits
[blind date]
her: this is nice, i was worried you’d turn out to be weird or something
me: i lost my virginity on a ghost pirate ship
her: ah there it is
Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.
My kid is having a rock sale at the park because βeveryone sells lemonade but no one sells rocksβ.
Did you know?
A cowbird will sneak into another bird’s nest, lay her egg, and leave it for the other bird to raise.
And I’ll be damned if that isn’t the best parenting hack I’ve ever heard.