friend: let’s meet up soon
me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though
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ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.
What’s the most ridiculous demand a customer has made of you? I’ll go first: when I was working retail, a woman once demanded I pick her up from her Botox appointment with my car & bring her to the mall to shop
I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.
If you don’t have plans tonight, head to a crowded restaurant, stand up during the meal, and say “She said yes!”. Free applause and dessert. You’re welcome.
I cleaned out my teen’s room and I found 8 plates, 21 utensils, a TV remote, 8 chapsticks, a burner phone and apparently we have a cat.
Anyone under the age of 21 should be legally required to end every sentence with the phrase “but there’s a good chance I’m wrong about that”
[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat
My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”
Let me make something perfectly clear.
– Anyone who has washed a window
Lost my job naming hurricanes after 3 ex-girlfriends called & complained. In hindsight, including their last names may have been a bad idea.
If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.
friend: *struggling to open beer* i need a bottle opener
me: here, give me your lighter
friend: ok
me: *lights cigarette and takes a long drag* yeah you’re gonna need a bottle opener
SF is the wild wild west man
[Death row]
Him: Last meal request please.
Me: Wendy’s cheeseburger, fries and Coke.
Him: That stuff kills you know.
Me: Fine. Diet Coke.
i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that
I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people
i used to store stuff in my bra bc i hated carrying a purse. this one time i was making out with a guy n he unhooked my bra and a bunch of shit clunked onto the floor. he stopped and was like “what is that?” and i was like “don’t worry about it” and he was like “is that a knife?”
I’m like a cheetah, but slow.
i order my girl scout cookies from several different girl scouts so nobody has a full count of the boxes i’ve eaten i don’t have time for that negativity it’s cookie season goddammit
Me: So, let me get this straight. It’s cute for the toddler to wear her flannel jammies to the grocery store but it’s embarrassing if I do it?
Husband: I have nothing to say. I knew what I was getting into when I married you.
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel
(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”
A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.
“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace
“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice
Employees must applaud the planets.
There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.
Idiot.
DON’T STOP BELIEVING!
…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time