Me: Wow, you’re glowing.
Her: Aaaaww, thank you!
Me: No, like radioactive…
Her: . . .
Me: Tone down the filters?
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My daughter is writing a poem about our dog and she’s trying to find a word that rhymes with his name. Our dog’s name is Tucker. This will not end well.
I just discovered that Flemish rabbits are pregnant for only one month but my jealousy went away when I found out they give birth to litters of 5-12 at a time, I guess I’ll stick to being human
If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed
She was rare…
… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.
*logs on Facebook
IT’S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY’S BIRTHDAY TODAY!
*logs off
WAIT COME BACK!
YOU HAVEN’T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX’S ENGAGEMENT!
When a cop gives you a ticket for speeding he won’t be impressed when you tell him “I do this all the time.”
I know this now.
The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester
[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall
ME: nice fanny pack u weirdo
KANGAROO: *puts phone in pouch, pulls out a knife*
ME: holy shit
me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
18 is TOO young to get married!
You can’t even buy booze at 18!
If you can’t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?
While a big fan overall, I always found the Chipmunks’ instrumental songs sort of pointless.
I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000
her: sure
me: k
Girlfriend Parents: so how did you meet our daughter?
Me: we met at a nickelback conc-
Gf: [covers my mouth] we met on tinder
my brain: knows jfc stands for Jesus Fricking Christ
also my brain: John F. Cennedy
ALSO my brain: Jentucky Fried Chicken
Today I’m approaching teens dressed like I’m from the future, locking eyes, and saying “Happy Presidents Day, sir” with a wink
*carries 11 grocery bags into house in one trip*
*locks keys in trunk*
Not a catfish. Just behind on my lip waxing.
Go girl power!
Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?
*novela book bar*
bartender: let me guess books not booze
him: tequila …
bartender: ’bout time here you go
him: … mockingbird
bartender: there it is
Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.
All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
You don’t have to buy high thread count sheets. Just buy cheap sheets and use them for 20 years. Like butter, I tell you.
Friend: *texting* How are you holding up? Staying busy?
Me: Yeah actually I’ve gotten really into philosophy
[Earlier that day]
Me: Alexa if you shave all your hair off do you use face wash or body soap on the top of your head
Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.
waiter: would you like a table?
me: yes, the multiplication please
Meanwhile in Paris.. 🙏