Ended my night saying “Stay goofy!” to a Waffle House waitress, and she replied: “You KNOW I will!”
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Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.
[bartender hands lady drink] courtesy of the gentleman down there
[she takes a sip] is this –
[me from the end of the bar] IT’S MILK
I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.
Writing, She Murdered.
I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.
Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?
To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.
“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not
Friend: I want my funeral to be a celebration of life and not sad or depressing.
Me: Screw that. I want people climbing onto my casket and asking God to take them too.
Me: how do I get one of those singing groups?
Director: you mean a choir?
Me: *exasperated sigh* yes fine, how do I acquire one of those singing groups?
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
Paranoid? Nope. I’m just trying not to crash in case someone has replaced the airbag in my car with a boxing glove on a spring.
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury Foreman: Well…I guess I just look right at him. Why — isn’t that how you do it?
[Heart: Tell her her eyes are windows into eternity, filled with fire…
Brain: Beacons, stars in a vast darkness]
Mouth: HEY GREAT EYEBALLS
When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”
Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.
[pronounces modeling like yodeling]
Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.
“What’s for dinner?”
Updog & chips.
“Does updog have gluten in it?”
No..wait..you’re supposed to say…
“You know I can’t have gluten Karen”
You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.
Someone: you’re the coolest person I know!
Me: Omg wowww!!!!
My mind: (they need to meet more people)
cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches
My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.
1) “Obamas spying on you.”2) “Eh. Cost of being free!”1) “Obama wants to give you healthcare.”2) “WHO THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS?”
4: Is the Easter Bunny still coming to our house?
10: Oh I saw on the news he got Coronavirus and Easter is cancelled
Me: (forgot to get Easter eggs) Yup, it’s true
I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.
I’m trying to get things done. However I keep finding other things that needs to be done first in order to complete the work I want to finish.
It’s like being in a video game. I want to fight the main boss but I gotta do all this side quest shit to unlock him.
be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey
my aunt: why u kids always on them phones cant u have a real conversation
me: *puts down phone* *crosses legs* why did u melt the ice caps
my kid climbed into the tub fully naked and still I found leaves in there after