“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”
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My 4 year old niece won’t eat the grilled cheese I just made her because it looks funny. Kinda choosy for someone that just ate a crayon.
My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.
Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.
What brave editor will let me publish 1,500 words on why ordering ravioli at a restaurant is a scam? The sage butter is not making up for the fact that you’re charging me $27 for 4 small dumplings.
It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.
I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.
So how many people have you murdered?
I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex
[wears my camouflage hat] where’s my camouflage hat
I have an archaeology joke but nobody digs it.
My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist
If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.
I love Harry Porter. All of them. Glasses kid. The ginger one. Smart girl. Dolby. The scene when Dumbledort kills Voldermore. Quizzo matches
“Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down your hair!”
*A long strand of smelly hair falls out the tower*
“Screw this!”
I’ve been watching far to many episodes of Extreme Homes. I want one made of containers, w/solar panels,heated floors, recessed lighting, indoor pool w waterfall/swim up bar, and windows to the ocean & garden on my roof. Floating.
WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?
Me watching recorded TV shows
Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in
“Sugar we’re going down swinging” used to be a cool song. Now it’s what happens when I bend over, braless, to pick up a floor doughnut.
Why do cows wear bells?
Because their horns don’t work
O-mi-cron, Becky. Look at that variant.
I may regret eating so many deviled eggs this weekend, but my family will regret it more.
Asking men how many wheels their trucks have and scoffing, regardless of the answer.
A lady told me that Autism is punishment for the sins of the parent.
That is the story of me punching a lady in a church parking lot.
Me:[holding toy] And WHY don’t we make them fight??
Kid:[sighing] Because the last stegosaurus died 83 million years before T-Rex evolved
Wife “There’s three angry bears at the door for you.”
Me *spitting out perfectly temperatured porridge* “Tell them I’m not here.”
Penguin: is it true birds fly south for the winter?
God: yes but you don’t need to fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you already live as far south as possible.
Penguin: oh yeah!
God: and you live there all year long!
Penguin: oh man the other birds are gonna be so jealous : )
I’m still thinking about some great eye contact I got last week. You know when your eyes lock and you both stop talking and just gaze?
Ugh.
Then he kept looking from my left eye to my right eye, back and forth like he was trying to enter my soul through my retinas.
Good stuff.